Well, I’ve got my pals Jameson and Bushmills ready and we’re prepped for this St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I know many of you are, as well. However, you’re probably wondering what’s the most vogue way to celebrate the luck of the Irish without coming across like a total d-bag.
Trust me. You are. We’re human.
There are a couple of rules you have to follow if you really want to have a good time and not be a cliché. Unless you want to be a cliché, in which case, please stay away from my VIP area.
So, here it is! My guide for a lucky St. Patrick’s Day! Enjoy!
Rule 1: Irish car bombs are way cooler than green beer.
You want to prove your prowess? Forget a green beer-stained tongue and really show the world what you’ve got by drinking a car bomb in less than ten seconds.
Rule 2: Don’t be that girl (or guy.)
You know what person I mean. Yeah, that girl (or guy.)
You know, the person hunched over the trashcan with tears running down their face because they really, really miss their ex? Guess what, you don’t. You’re just lonely. Call me judgmental, but I’m a strong believer in leaving the vomiting for a celebutante who has no idea she’s preggers. Above all, know your limits, mes amis. Here’s a calculator to help you figure out how much liquor you can have and still maintain a tiny shred of decency.
Rule 3: Don’t say “Top of the morning to you” unless it’s actually morning.
I mean, we get it. You can do a great Irish accent, but do you have to talk in one all night? The gimmick gets old fast. Even Bono doesn’t speak with an Irish accent all night and he’s from the Emerald Isle!
Rule 4: Pleading guilty is SO out of style.
Honey, we live in America. We’re innocent until proven guilty. Let’s celebrate that right, shall we? If you get arrested for a DUI, do yourself a favor and keep your trap shut until you’ve found a defense attorney that focuses in DUI cases. It’s cheaper than you think.
So there you have it: 4 very important rules to maintain your cool this St. Patrick’s Day. I’m sure you have your own M.O. when it comes to St. Patrick’s Day. However, just make sure it includes a designated driver.
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